Get a date get a date

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Get a date if you can. If you can't get a date, get online.

That's what they'd said to her - the other ladies at the bowl's club. Evidently, Sheryl had a coffee date every second week coz of an incredible positive response to her online dating profile. Geraldine thought it must have been an incredibly well written profile, perhaps skittled with porky-pies, but nonetheless, Geraldine thought she would like to get amongst this action. Not with Sheryl, but with the men she saw for coffee. Or other men. And not necessarily coffee.

"It's been a while Kez," she said to her friend as she sat down at her PC with high speed connectivity. "It's been a long bloody while but I'm ready to get back in the game"

"Shit yeah Geraldine - you've been nursing an injury for a coupla seasons but I'm feeling like this is gonna be a hot return."

"Yep. Just like riding a horse... Oright oright - What's my name gonna be? Should I be anonymous or shall just let it all hang out? First and last, you know? I've got nothing to be ashamed of, am I right? Ain't gonna meet the sorta fella I'm lookin' for at the Slippery Mermaid on a Saturday night am I? Not any fella I'd remember anyway, ay? Right, now I best be honest - as honest as possible - but I will be in the market for a competitive profile since there are over 600 young singles joining every week, so let's take some glamour shots of me shall we? I'd rather be a little scantily clad - just a bit of a teaser, ya know, just to git em in. Then we'll get to know each other."

"Sure, Geraldine. That sounds fair. Way to a man's heart is through his member as they say." Kez was rational and she was a very good friend and she already had herself a man so she was pretty keen to get Geraldine hooked up with a fella so they might double date and have a plethora of adventures as a pair of couples.

When they had secured that 'just right' profile shot they set to work on filling out the deets.

"Right, now for the deets," Geraldine said. "I'm certainly what one might call a traveller - memba when I went to Queensland, Kez? That is a remarkable culture might I say to you, just quietly. A remarkable culture. They even have their own language - some say it's an accent but, I don't know what the definition of language is but theirs is unusual to say the very least. A friendly people."

"P'rhaps you should mention your skills in the culinary sector, Geraldine?"

"You're right Kez, you're right. Gaz used to love my nuggets with home made barbecue sauce. I swear to God, Kez, I shoulda copyrighted that recipe."

"Water under the moat, Geraldine - 'memba, you've gotta learn to let that go. Heinz is a very powerful company and you mustn't start something you can't afford to finish."

"I know I know, right I'm breathing I'm breathing I'm breathing.... Right. Over it. Now, how tall should he be? My prince charming?"

"Tall enough to wrap his strong arms around you, but not so tall that you can't kiss him good night."

"You're right - you've hit the nail on the proverbial head.... Hey, Kez...."

"Yes mate?"

"What happens if I'm filling out boxes and unbeknownst to me, I'm rulin' out the love of my life? What if the man I want to marry is a very short man? I could live with it, if he came wrapped in the right package - who am I to deny him before I've even viewed his profile page?"

"You make a good point. That's wisdom from you. Why don't you leave them boxes all blank then, take applications from all suitors."

"Yeah. Think I might..."

Three days later, Geraldine was on the phone to Kez with some very big news.

"I got a letter of interest - He's name is Bill23 - but his 26, Kez! How you think this shit's working out for him ay? He's a bit of a wine buff. Likes a drop a red, he reckons. I like red.

His first picture's pretty hot - tall, blonde, blue eyes... Bit scruffy, just how I like, ya know. Bit of a diamond in the scruff ay. His second picture, well, it's his dog. A tough lookin' beast, so you know I'd be secured if I stayed at his. He likes the same TV shows as me - that's fairly vital, Kez. Don't wanna be fightin' over the remote all the time... And he's an avid reader, loves a good bibliography it says here... wonder if he means biography? Nevertheless, seems like he's together, got a good head on his shoulders, both visually and internally if you were to ask me. Ohhh Kez, how should I reply? P'rhaps I'll send him one of those "I'd like to know more about you" coy responses? So as not to seem too mustard. Or, ya know, sheets to the wind I could just go ahead and say "Loved your letter, looking forward to further contact"?"

"Myyyyy mate," Kez was beaming, clucking her tongue and feeling a small giggle bubble rise in her throat. "Haven't heard you speak like this for years, Geraldine! I can't help but think that this is the beginning of something magical."

And it proved to be more magical than Hogwarts, that online dating relationship. After trading amusing and enlightening banter back and forth for two weeks, Bill and Geraldine met up. They fell in love and got married three months later. They had four little kiddies and never once argued over the remote.

Travelling Tania

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Tania was a traveller, ay.

Tania went everywhere with an oversized backpack filled with stones from different beaches and work sites she had visited. And those stones were protected by some socks and some undies too. Tania wore the same clothes every day. She showered in them clothes and slept naked while they dried.

This was never a problem.

Tania had grown some dreadies which she was super stoked about. She’d pierced her nipples and her nose all by herself but she had to remove her nose piercing due to complications which were both disgusting and related closely to pus and to blood. She’d gone weeks without showering before, she’d eaten nothing but noodles and toast for months, she’d slept in public areas and she’d drank from several bottles of alcohol containing worms and other creepy crawlies. Tania was an A grade, certified, if-there-was-a-license-for-such-things-fully-licensed Traveller.

For a time, Tania lived in a house in London. That house was something stuck between a hostel and a hard place. It was dirty and smelly and everything was just a little bit broken. Tania loved it there. And, sometimes, Tania loved living in her little slumbum hostel so much that her heart felt like a jumping bean bouncing on a trampoline in her chest cavity and she became sincerely worried that it might get stuck in the springs and give her some sort of long term permanent damage. But, her jumping bean heart was safe and so was her home, in the ‘choice’ way of saying ‘safe,’ like ‘saaafe.’ Everything was swell. Innit bruv.

Tania couldn’t exactly put her fingertip on why she loved the shithole so much. It was like, it was almost like Christmas, Kwanzaa and Chanukka rolled into one big, breakfast burrito waiting, daily, for her to wake up and eat from it’s delicious and tasty familiarity.

There were 50 people living in the slumbum house, and they were all Travellers. They travelled at different speeds and between different countries and with varying levels of order and with varying levels of commitment to things like budgets and schedules. They were all idiots in one way or the other. And this made Tania feel really good.

Some were idiots because they were so nice, they must have been stupid. Tania liked these idiots. Some were idiots because they were so smart they should have known better. Some were idiots because they got drunk and high instead of eating and paying rent. Tania liked these idiots a lot. Some were idiots because they didn’t have very high levels of intelligence. Tania liked these idiots the best. Tania loved all of her travelling housemates passionately.

There were three couches in the hostel home where Tania the Traveller lived. People who lived there could eat and drink and sit on the couches all day in a friendly, snuggly way. They cuddled in together, nestled around the stains in the upholstery, just like family. And sometimes just like something a little more perverse than family. Those couches would surely have some stories to tell and some sicknesses to share if they were put in the position to do either of those things.

One day, Tania sat around watching Family Guy with her idiotic friends from the travellers hostel. Another day, Tania drank a bottle of whisky with a splash of coca cola to pass the time in the travellers hostel. Another time- a very exciting thing happened. But no one can remember what it was.

On Sunday the 23^rd of July, a windy and grey day, the inhabitants of the house had a small fright. The boys gasped loudly and the girls screamed a little when they saw black smoke billowing up the stairs to where they sat on their three stained couches. It was evident immediately that something was not quite right. It was a fire in their home. A raging fire! A billowing, burning, terrorizing, annihalating everything fire!

But Tania had left for Ibiza with her oversized backpack so she didn’t know about it.