Bobby and the Three Babes

Bobby had never been able to figure out chopsticks, so he just grabbed one in each hand and flicked rice into his mouth as quickly as he could. He didn’t begin chewing until he had a sizeable mouthful because it just didn’t feel right, doing all that jaw-work for less than a sizeable mouthful. He’d always been a pretty big eater, Bobby. Tonight he was celebrating his recent selection on the firsts football team for Bricklane College old scholars. Big game coming up Saturday.

Bobby was at the China Diner loading up on his carb’s with the aid of an all-you-can-eat buffet. Bobby was pretty sure there must be a lot of nutritional value in this food besides carb’s coz he’d never seen a fat Chinese man. Plus he really liked the China Diner. Spring roll dipped in sweet and sour pork sauce was his favourite.

Just like he’d never quite figured out chopsticks, and perhaps for the same reason, Bobby had never been able to figure out girls. Right now he was struggling to understand Betty, Suzie, and Sarah. Women. They all seemed to want the same thing from him and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna give it up that easy!

Monogomy. Pffft.

“Tell her she’s dreamin’.” He told Richy when Richy passed on the message from Betty. “No, no,” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Tell her she can have that- she can have her monogamy with no worries- as far as I’m concerned. Just as long as it’s okay with Suzie and Sarah, hey?” Richy nearly peed himself as he guffawed at the gall of his best mate. “Tell her to just nip over there and ask ‘em,” Bobby went on. “Shirley they wouldn’t mind? Shirley, you can’t be serious!”
Richy laughed so hard. He thought it was funny coz they would mind.

They would mind a lot.

Betty wanted serious commitment coz she was sick of being a single mum to Bobby Junior. Suzie wanted commitment coz she thought she was in love, daft old duck. Sarah just didn’t really like the other girls- bit of a clean freak she was. Thought it was dirty. Sarah wasn’t really brought up on the same side of the highway as the rest of them.

But, despite all of their differences of opinion and despite each of their disfunctional feminities Bobby had a lot of time for these three broads. Each of them, in their own special way, brought something to his life that he didn’t want to be without.

Betty brought him baked goods which were absolutely delicious. Though he would never say it aloud, her anzac biscuits made him want to marry her and run away forever to a land with nothing but sugar, oats, flour and an oven.

Suzie brought with her something sexy. She was a little freak in the sheets and Bobby liked that very much.

Sarah was sophisticated. Though she was still in high school Sarah was too good for him by the determination of the majority public opinion- including her own parents- and that made her a prized posession. Sarah was sort of like a trophy wife, but in the girlfriend form.

Bobby wasn’t exactly sure what his three lovely ladies liked most about him. It could have been his brute strength and athletic ability, his witty sense of humour, or his melt in your mouth charm- it could also have been the fact that he could re-assemble a Holden HG V8 in less than 24 hours while stoned on some sweet, sweet East Coast herb.

Bobby guessed that he would never really know for sure.

On this particular night, as Bobby fought cheerfully with his chopsticks and Richy sat beside him gabbing about the upcoming footy game, something magical was blowing in on the light wind outside. Dodging discarded hamburger wrappers which blew about in the breeze, a sing-songing angel came floating through the carpark. He carried with him a very tiny toilet plunger threaded neatly through a large, wooden bow and behind him flew a small swarm of dragonflies playing miniature harps in a most peculiar fashion.

“Cupid?!” Betty exclaimed as she peered out of her greasy car window from whence she had been spying on Bobby.
“Cupid?” Suzie asked from her seat across the road where she had been keeping an eye on Betty watching Bobby.
If Sarah was there she most certainly would have wondered aloud: “Cupid?!” But she was not there as she had an important tennis match in the morning. She was already in bed.

The angel and his musical dragonflies flew right up to the front door of the China Diner where they smacked into the sliding glass like upright dominoes, as the glass had only just been washed and was very clean and appeared, at first, to be an open doorway.
With a quick and almost magical recovery the troupe reassembled, slid back the door with slight difficulty and proceeded on and through the restaurant full of awestruck… well, nobody was awestruck as Richy and Bobby were the only ones in there, the staff were out the back and Richy and Bobby hadn’t noticed the strange group of magical beings yet. But anyone who laid eyes on this mysterious bunch would surely have been awestruck.

When the strange toilet plunger-yielding angel reached the table where the two men sat he called out, “Bobby! Stand up and meet your unrequited love shot!”
Bobby grunted in response with an almost concerned look of confusion on his face.
“Mate, you’ve got the wrong bloke- I didn’t ask for no shot. I’ve got my 6-pack right here. B.Y.O ‘n all that. I don’t need no shot.”
“Bobby, I do not mean a shot containing alcohol- Stand and I shall explain myself more clearly.”
So Bobby slowly pushed back his chair, the legs scraping painfully against the linoleum floor, and he stood.
Despite his promise of explanation, the strange angel immediately pulled back the plunger until his large bow string was tight, he took aim and fired without another word- and with a terrifying “plop!” his tiny toilet plunger met with Bobby’s tiny football shorts. Right on his man crotch.

Oh, well, the high-pitched screams of Bobby were enough to set dogs three suburbs away barking with compassionate cries of support. But, despite the incredible amount of torment in his cry, he was not screaming for a pain that was physical- for there was nothing there, anymore, to be inured. The strange, hovering angel had removed the sole decision maker in Bobby’s life. The little plunger weilding demon had taken Bobby’s life blood, his promise of life immortal through a thriving brood of Junior’s. The angel-demon had taken his future, his present, and had made a mockery out of Bobby’s past.
The angel had taken Bobby’s penis.

Bobby dropped his shorts, right there in the middle of the VIP booth seating at the China Diner and as his royal blue shorts touched the ground Bobby, Richy, Suzie and Betty all cried out in horror- For there in front of them was a hairy Mangina. No tucking, no prepping, no hiding penis. Simply, a stationary, permanent Mangina.

Bobby wailed, “Ohh, Angel of unrequited love- what have you done to me?”
But there was no reply because the angel and his dragonflies had apparently disappeared.

Bobby didn’t play football that Saturday. He thought that only men should kick a Sherrin and he felt like something between nothing and lady without his penis. Bobby didn’t hear from Betty or Suzie again, Richy seemed to be intensely busy all of a sudden- someone later said they’d seen him kicking aobut with Suzie rather regularly- but he still kept in close contact with Sarah who turned out to have a lovely, soft shoulder to cry on. As they couldn’t spend time at Sarah’s house due to her parents’ misgivings about their relationship the pair spent quite a lot of time at the park on the corner… Which was where, in a round about way, Bobby met Bridget.

Bridget was sprinting through sprinkler-wet grass on a warm spring afternoon when Bobby first saw her. She was in hot pursuit of a small boxer-cross who was, according to the girls shouts, apparently named Brutus. Bobby politely excused himself from the bench where he sat with Sarah and, for the first time in months, he ran. It felt so good to be running again with the wind rushing through his greasy hair, so he ran, and he ran, and he ran. It is quite possible that he ran faster than ever before, though no one was timing. He zoomed past Bridget and grabbed the dog at it’s hind quarters with the strength of Hercules- but that didn’t stop Brutus from whipping around and biting his captor on the knuckles. Involuntarily, Bobby let go, Brutus went on his way and Bridget continued after him, thanking him for his efforts.

As Sarah tended to his wounds that afternoon Bobby did a lot of thinking and, the next day as they swung side-by-side on the swings in the park Bobby did a lot of talking.
“Sarah, you’re a top chick and I don’t want to hurt ya,” He sighed. “Shit, you’ve been the only one there for me through it all, right? I guess I’ve treated you like shit in the past and you deserve better. I’m sorry. That’s why I want to let you know now… When I saw that girl yesterday, you know, the one with the dog? I had a feeling, and it wasn’t just in my mangina. I guess what I’m trying to say is, that’s how I knew, Sarah… I’m not in love with you and I don’t want to lead you on.”

Sarah laughed- a long, loud, yelping laugh that seemed not to let her inhale. She kept laughing until her eyes bulged from her head, her cheeks turned grey from lack of oxygen, and she slid off her swing to the pinebark below. When she had finally stopped laughing, Sarah took Bobby’s hands in hers and looked into his eyes.
“You’re breaking up with me?” She grinned. “Bobby, you’ve turned into a good guy. You’re not a horrible person. But I’ve never been attracted to you…” She sighed. “I graduate next week, I may as well tell you now… My parents are assholes and I’ve been using you to get back at them for sending me to that horrible public school in Rokeby. I’m actually dating the head prefect at St. Sundersands. We’ve been going together for two years and he’s just what my father would have wanted for me. Wealthy, noble, captain of the swim team… We’re in love you know. But my parents really needed to be taught a lesson and you were the perfect tool to do it- My place of education could really have derailed the course of my life, you know! Anyway, Bobby you’re great but, mate, you’ve got a permanent mangina! Good luck to you buddy.” And with a heavy handed pat on the back Sarah was gone.

For a long time Bobby sat, with his elbows propped on his knees and his greasy hair pulled tightly in his hands. He hardly noticed when she came to stand beside him. “I’m Bridget,” She said. “And this is Brutus. Wanna come run with us?”
He did. Bobby did want to run with Brutus and Bridget. He looked up into Bridget’s freckle-sprinkled face and into her big green eyes and he wanted to run like he’d never run before. He wanted to ask questions, to get to know her, he wanted to hold her hand and keep her safe. He wanted to learn how to use chopsticks so he could teach her. He wanted to be her best friend.

“Plop!”
With a flitting of his tiny wings the angel of unrequited love and other things flew away leaving woman, dog and man alone. Alone with their future and a tiny toilet plunger.

Bobby and the Three Babes