Horrorscope

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“Ohmagod. Like, I can’t believe this could happen today- of all frickin’ days Michelle!”
Michelle nodded sadly, having read the bad tidings over her young cousins shoulder.

Libra:
Today you will have a terrible day. Everything that can go wrong will, so hide out under a rock until tomorrow.
Money: A small windfall. Love: Venus is as far from your system as is solarly possible- stay away from any kind of romantic commitment.

“Michelle, you know I just scratched that scratchie wot Nana gave me! I won two dollars! It’s true, it’s all true!” Becky screamed the deafening screaming of a little girl who had lost her favourite Malibu Stacey, and threw the newspaper across the room. It collided heavily with the wooden stand from which proudly hung her veil-tiara hybrid and knocked them both over. They landed with a thud that could very well have been the very last beat of Becky’s heart as far as she was concerned.

“Becks, it’s just The Herald. You know they make that shit up some days, when they don’t have time to do the proper research. The sun is shining and the deco’s just look fab! The groomsmen are all here ready and even Billy made it out for your big day- you know Bunghouse Penitentiary don’t give out day passes too easy! It’s gonna be a perfect day. Just you watch.”

And it was a perfect day. The music played, the sun shone, the barbecue sizzled with the delicious scent of burnt onions and fancy sausages, tens of tens of cheerful guests assumed their seats on rows of decorated lawn chairs. It was a perfect day. But Becky never saw it because she sat in her room and refused to come out. She wouldn’t see her fiancé and wouldn’t come down when coaxed by the “dum de dum” music. Becky didn’t want to risk ruining her third shot at true love on a day marred by the stars. And so she ruined her third shot at true love on a day accurately marred by the stars.

Unfortunately, it was Becky’s fiancé, Kevin, who went to break the bad news to their guests.
“Uhm, thanks for coming out fellas,” He scratched his freshly shaven head awkwardly. “But, there won’t be a show today. Beck’s had some pretty strong warnings that today’s not gonna be a good day to do this so we’re gonna take a raincheck ay. Anyone who’s already grabbed a sausage, no worries, just let us know who ya are and you can sort us out for that later. Hopefully we can see you all back here real soon.”

Billy stood up in his chair near the back row and shook a finger threateningly at his cousin-to-be-in-law. “You’re pulling my plonker?!” Billy had spent a fair bit of time with Poms in the penitentiary. “Tell me now that you’re joking, Kev’, before I react violently!”
“Billy, I wish I was joking, mate. We just can’t afford to risk it today, hey?”
“Can’t. Afford. To. Risk. It?! Can’t Afford To Risk it!?” Billy was raising his voice a lot now. He was really angry. “Do you realise I have just broken out of Bunghouse for this day? They don’t give effing Day Passes for weddings you little turd! I am almost certainly about to be given five years extended sentence to arrive here at your posh little ceremony with your neat little rows of chairs to be told that you Can’t Afford To Risk It?!” As he spoke Billy walked closer to where Kevin stood, throwing chairs out of his way. Some of the chairs were flung with people still sitting on them. Before long there were elderly guests flying all around the backyard and Billy had reached the groom.
Kevin, normally rather speedy and well-equipped to handle the rush of an oncoming angry criminal was a little slow today aka seedy (he had his bucks the night before).
Before he could put his arms up in a defensive position he was rocked by the force of a fist that had, legally, been declared a deadly weapon. Just one punch, and Kev went down. And he stayed down. He stayed down, laying down, while he was pronounced dead.

Becky sold all their wedding presents and donated half of the proceeds to the “One Punch Can Kill” Campaign. Because it could. She searched a long time for a “One Horoscope Can Wreck Homes” Campaign but it had not yet been formed, so she took the other half of the money and started a community pumpkin patch.