Therese, Shannon, and the Thievery

Shannon and Therese were in love. There was no two ways about it. Ever since Shannon touched Therese’s tits behind the toilet in grade four there was no going back. Smit. Ten.

Now, Shannon was a good lad. A strong lad, with a strong jaw- but he’d been born with an infallible hunger and drive to achieve. He had a sense of ambition so strongly ingrained that there was no possibility it could lead to any good- he was a bit like Macbeth in that sense.

Shannon had particular skill in the department of thievery and it was his ambition to become the best, most prestigious thief in all of greater Hobart.

Therese used to meet her mates at the movies for a frozen coke on Fridays and she would waste no time in declaring: “Shaz is as good a thief as has ever been told about,” Her chest swelled with pride. “He stole my heart from under my nose and lord knows I didn’t even miss my V plates ‘til months after he scabbed those!”

Well, Shannon may have been the best thief ever told about largely because better thieves hadn’t been caught and were, therefore, not spoken about specifically.

Therese loved Shannon and respected his business as a good unwed wifey should- She didn’t ask questions and didn’t protest when he took to selling her body to pay bond and bail. He only sold her at top dollar and only to the most dignified of his comrades you must understand, for his love was unending and with that, unquestionable.

Therese waited, whistfully, for the day that Shannon had earned enough money for the ring she’d picked out so many, many moons ago. Then they would be married. Then she would finally become Therese Theroof.

Now, in the Spring of 2007, while watching a Coogans furniture store ad’, Shannon had a plan just pop into his brain. It was a mighty plan, bigger than any plan that had ever been laid before it. This plan was for one last hit, one job that might put him in the top ten big-timers list for good and forever. Therese clapped her hands in an uncharacteristically coordinated jig and praised her strong-jawed boyfriend for his clever thinking.

So, with a rope and a bucket filled halfway with water Shannon set off on foot, in the dead of the night, to do the job that had to be done. But halfway to his destination Shannon realised it was Sunday which would be no good. So he came home and watched the Sunday late night movie with Therese, which was also not much good because he was quite fidgety with excitement about what was to come tomorrow night and he basically ruined the movie for Therese. But she loved him and so, she did not care.

The next night, a Monday night, Shannon headed off again on foot with his bucket of water and his rope. When he got to the front door of Coogans furniture store, which was open 24 hours, he quickly splashed the bucket of water on the front of his pants, which were unfortunately black so didn’t quite give the effect he was after but looked damp and dripped just the same.

He took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
Once inside Shannon walked quickly up to the first employee he saw which was, unfortunately, not an employee but his uncle Kev’ shopping for a couch. So Shannon made idle chitchat for a few minutes while trying to hide his wet pants. Then, excusing himself, Shannon locked his strong jaw and went about his business. He waddled, hunched over up to the store manager and said: “Mate, you wouldn’t read about it. I’ve gone and wet me’self. Could I use your throne room to clean up?”
“Well, ahem, this is awkward,” The manager looked Shannon up and down with some difficulty as the fat rolls on his neck appeared to inhibit his movement somewhat. “You know we don’t normally allow patrons to use our facilities as our bathrooms are out back with all of our important documentation and safe codes and whatnot. But this is quite obviously a real emergency so I’ll allow it just this once.”

Now Shannon, having known the difficulty of getting into this facility in the past did a very secretive fist pump at his high-flying clearance of this first hurdle. To make matters better the manager didn’t even raise an eyebrow at the bucket and rope in Shannon’s right hand as he showed him to the staff bathrooms.
“Hurry along if you don’t mind,” The manager spoke gruffly. “I’ve been drinking green tea all night and it’ll only be a matter of minutes before I’ll need to pee again myself. Nobody wants to do stocktake with a green tea stench and wet pants.” He continued to grumble as he walked away.

Shannon quickly relieved himself in the bathroom- because by this time he really did need to go- then silently stepped back into the staff-only hallway and found his way to the door marked ‘Accounts and Other Good Targets for Thieves.’ (Seriously, that’s what it said on the door.) Within two minutes and 45 seconds Shannon was back out, and heading towards the Coogans exit, whistling cheerfully and swinging his bucket.

When Shannon got home that evening Therese greeted him gleefully. “Did you do it Shaz? Are we rich and home with hoses?”
“Oh yes, my love, we are well on our way. I went shopping for a future at Coogans and I think I got a good one!” Shannon pulled from his bucket several sheets of A4 paper with names and addresses on them.
“Shaz, I don’t get it hun,” Therese was very confused. “What are we going to do with this paper? Are we gonna print our own money?!” Therese began to get very excited again.
“Nah luv, these are the places where furniture is being dropped off at some point in the next 30 days. All we gotta do is case these front lawns and wait for the Coogans trucks to drop them into our waiting arms. Comprende?” Shannon felt his efforts for the night allowed him to talk a little bit gangster to his wife-to-be. “We sign for it, take it away and voila- sell it for half the price that Coogans would! Won’t be too tricky to offload. Already got a mate looking for a love seat.”
“Oh, that’s genius Shaz!” Therese said. “But, why did you need the rope and the bucket?”
“Oh, Therese, do I have to explain everything to your thick skull? The bucket was to carry the water to wet my pants and the rope was my alibi if I got caught in accounts. I was gonna say I had come to die. And I was going to wrap it around my neck. Duh.”
Therese was about to clap again with great coordination but she was interrupted by a loud knocking on the door.

“Who is it?” Shannon yelled.
“It’s the police, open up!”
Without another word, Shannon stuffed the stolen documents into his mouth and ate each of them, washing the last of the evidence away with a swig of VB. Then he ran to open the door while Therese put the kettle on in case the gentlemen might wish to stay a while.
“Mr. Theroof, is your girlfriend in? Therese Therent?”
“Well, yeah. Why?”
“Excuse me, Mr. Theroof.”
Suddenly the two big, burly policemen had pushed their way inside the kitchen and before you could say, love-at-first-squeeze they had young Therese’s arms behind her back, were reading her rights and clapping on cuffs.
“You nearly got away with it, Ms. Therent,” The fattest officer chortled. “You almost had us fooled. But we’ve been watching you on camera for weeks now, watching you down there at the movies with your buddies. Well, finally we caught you out.”
“What are you talking about?!” Spluttered Shannon. “She’s no sort of criminal!”
“Mr. Theroof, we’ve been observing your little lady for a long time. She’s been caught on camera smuggling hundreds of dollars in TimeZone tickets out the door in that little frozen coke cup she’s always sucking at. Use the same cup every week don’t you? Keep it nice and sterile do you? What were you planning to purchase with all those tickets you little minx? Were you going for the grand prize were you?”
Therese was sobbing, her little body writhing in despair. “I’m sorry Shannon!” She shrieked. “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to- but the grand prize! I only needed 20 more TimeZone tickets! There’s no way I could bop enough crabs!” She heaved a sobbing cry. “I couldn’t wait!”
When the coppers had left with Therese, Shannon went for a walk to clear his head. He wound up at the movies so he wandered into TimeZone and what was it he saw up there on the ‘Top Prize’ podium?
The sparkling, plastic ring that Therese had fallen in love with so many moons ago.
“It must have been love,” Shannon thought. “But it’s over now.”

Therese, Shannon, and the Thievery